I don't know what has happened to me today. I feel strange at times. I don't feel like I have purpose sometimes. I think it was triggered by a phone conversation with my ex-wife's father yesterday (for Father's Day). I still get along with him, and I appreciate his rapport with me. I don't remember what I spoke about. I think it was about the settlement. I just wish this would all be over. I missed my dog - Jazz. She was the closest thing to a surrogate child my ex-wife and I had. Then someone calls me up, asking for my ex-wife. I barely remember what that was about either, but I forwarded them onto her.
After that, I was chatting to my brother Jay. The conversation went along the lines of I don't know why I am here. I don't know what worth I have. I just want to jump into my car and drive - fast, somewhere. Not here - not Canberra. Not Australia. I don't know. Just fast - with some tunes blaring loud out of the sound system. There's still too much crap in my head, and I can't seem to get it out. I can't seem to connect with the people around me. It's good to have people around me to chat to, but the true deep-down connection (someone of you may say "spiritual" connection) I had with my ex-wife is lost or broken, and in a way it affects the others around me. I don't feel like I have a soul (no connection with me previously pricing it). I feel like I am Rônin - set adrift without direction. I didn't think life would turn this way. I feel so emotionally cold. I hope this doesn't upset or piss too many people off. I think I've pissed off Jarvo already - but he seems to be able to let things slide with me. My interactions with others - I can't comment - but for what it's worth "sorry".
"I no longer know how to pray
Live in a dog town, and it's a dalmatian parade
I change my spots over and over
But they never seem to fade away..."
-- August and Everything After (Counting Crows - 2003?)
Thanks for being there Jay... I'll see you in the UK, bro! You're the closest thing I still have that is connected with reality...
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just do things." -- Joker (The Dark Knight - 2008)