Monday, 7 July 2008

What's been happening with me recently?

So... what's been happening with me?

A few ups and downs. And they are strange ones that I would have never predicted. Things have changed with me, some that I didn't want happening that have happened, others I had hoped for.

Firstly, the reason I haven't seen my wife or my puppy for over a month is that my wife no longer wants to see me. She's asked for a separation. Am I upset ? Well I was - but I don't think I am anymore. I can't make her love me, and if she chooses not to be with me, then I can't stop her. She seems to be very angry with me for different reasons. She seems to be very upset, and this is what intrigues me the most - she seems to be thinking that I am a totally different person to who I think I am. Without going into details, she seems to be confusing me with someone else - someone else who has hurt her deeply when she was younger. She won't discuss things with me. She is channeling her anger towards me. I hope she comes a realisation that she needs to seek some answers - some proper answers - and not to just blame me for everything in her life. I know what I did wrong, and I take responsibility for what I have done, but I am not as bad a person as she believes I am. I hope she finds happiness and inner peace, but for the moment I am happy to be available to her - but I have not communicated with her since her announcement.

My friends and family (including my in-laws) are telling me to go out and meet people. My agent ("PappaD") also got me to visit him, and took me out. It's strange at the moment. I'm not interested, and I feel alright with this all. I don't seem to be interested in meeting anyone new to "have a partner" again. I know this may change with time, but I feel fine at the moment. It gives me time to think. Time to work on things that I want to work on. I've been listening to a lot of music. The Counting Crows have been comforting - I hope they come back to Australia, but I may just go over to the US and find out where they are playing. It's not like I have to plan for a future anymore - I can afford to live in the moment.

Secondly, and this is to do with work - work in Canberra is good for the moment - with the exception of the work I do on Microsoft Windows environments. I find doing tasks / work on Windows environments to be inefficient. I am so used to writing a script on a centralised server in a Linux or UNIX environment, and then firing it off. With Windows (unless someone knows better), you have to log onto each box individually, and run applications via the desktop. It's slow, and prone to error - with a script, you've got accountability and repeatability. I don't understand how IT departments can run servers with Windows technology. With a desktop, I understand that people need more visual tools, and therefore Windows may be useful, but in server land, a GUI is a hindrance.

Along the lines of work, the guy I was living with had his contract cut early. Therefore I am up in Canberra by myself, living by myself. It's got its good and bad sides. I don't have to wait to use the laundry, but it is very quiet now, and there is no one to talk to for a chat. Coupled with the fact I'm not talking to my wife (which I should be labelling as my ex-wife), it's very quiet. The whole fiasco of my friend's contract being axed is a story in itself, but I don't think this is the time to write about it.

I was happy last month from the fact of the Boston Celtics winning their 17th championship. I grew up in the 1980s, and remember seeing on television the games where Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, and Robert Parish led the Celtics to championship titles. The former Big 3 have been replaced by Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen. The new Big 3 (or as they are termed - "The Boston Three Party") were certainly a powerful force in professional american basketball.

So that's me for the moment. Two bad incidents, and one bit of good news to prop me up. All in the period of 2 months.

"I need a phone call..." -- Raining in Baltimore (Counting Crows - 1993)

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